


People Change Their Minds

by scifi



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Falling Out of Love, Hurt/Comfort, Kinda, M/M, not rly a happy ending but kinda idk, this is more sad than it is angsty i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-18
Updated: 2018-07-18
Packaged: 2019-06-12 12:01:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15339432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scifi/pseuds/scifi
Summary: dan falls out of love





	People Change Their Minds

Falling out of love isn’t like the movies.

It isn’t melodramatic, curled up on the floor with tear stained cheeks drowning your sorrows with wine. It isn’t even burying your problems with tubs of ice cream and breakup songs while friends tell you it’s for the best. Cinema lied because Dan doesn’t even realise it at first. Falling out of love was portrayed with such intense emotion, painting the world in reds and blacks when in reality it was a lack of feeling. It was nothing until it was too late. Then it was everything.

There’s nothing particularly interesting about today. Nothing that would set it apart from the others, giving him an indicator that something monumental was about to sculpt itself into existence. Outside the sky was slashed open, drenching London in rain that felt too sticking in the late May humidity. Inside their bedroom wasn’t much better. They forgot to turn the aircon on and beneath grey sheets Dan’s limbs felt damp.

It’s a Tuesday and he never used to have any personal vendetta against Tuesday’s but something felt off. As he pulled himself out of unconsciousness, Dan felt something different. The fog of sleep still lingered, clouding his mind but he already decided that he’ll always fucking hate Tuesday.

Something in his gut makes him feel slightly off-kilter. It’s his mind and heart finally playing catch up. This rainy Tuesday morning felt wrong in ways he couldn’t understand just yet, or maybe he understood but refused to accept the storm that had been brewing for months.

It felt wrong not because he could feel something but because he couldn’t feel anything.

He felt numb.

Dan opened his eyes to a world coated in shades of grey. Beside him. Phil was still sound asleep, body rising and falling with each steady breath. Dan felt something then, albeit for a moment. As if a little spark burst to life deep within himself. He recognised that spark. It was the most familiar feelings in the world; his love for Phil. It was a feeling that had coursed through every molecule of his being for over a decade but in an instant, it was snuffed out. He became numb again before having the chance to feel.

That hadn’t happened before. Even on the bad days when he wasn’t even a shell of a ghost, that spark had been a constant. Loving Phil was his touchstone, the only emotion that never wavered it had vanished as if a switch had been flicked and he had no idea how to turn it back on.

He shuffled beneath the sheets so he could curl around Phil’s sleeping body, draping an arm over his waist, pulling him closer. He placed a kiss on his shoulder.

Nothing.

Another kiss.

Nothing.

Another and another until his lips traversed Phil’s skin as if it was his entire universe. An alabaster universe speckled with terracotta stars. A map he had memorised, helping him navigate through stormy seas for a decade. Little dots upon milky skin forming constellations beneath his lips. Constellations that had once shown him the way home were now nothing more than an alien sky. Phil was his entire universe and he was now afraid that he’d lose him. That his night sky would burn out until he was left to navigate the endless expanse of nothing alone.

The spark hadn’t returned and Dan wanted to cry. Maybe crying would allow him to feel something. He kissed Phil once more, firm kisses upon skin he was more familiar with than his own, hoping to feel something, anything.

Absolutely nothing.

All he could feel was how warm it was beneath the duvet, the balmy air curling his hair, and the supple skin beneath his lips. There wasn’t a spark or even a flame. No flicker of warmth that had been a constant for so long. He wasn’t melting anymore.

Dan wasn’t ready to admit it yet but he had seen this coming. He had realised what had been growing within him like a black hole months ago but had ignored it until it was too late until all familiarity turned into a mere afterthought.

Now that it was here, he was afraid.

Feeling afraid was something but it wasn’t the emotion he wanted. His heart was still numb and he didn’t know if it would ever stop feeling that way.

He pulled Phil closer, careful not to stir his other half, and buried his face in the crook of his neck, breathing in the scent that had intoxicated him for a decade. Phil was so familiar, from the pulse beneath his lips to the stubble on his jaw. Dan knew him better than he knew himself but right now he felt like a stranger.

Now, all this felt sudden. Something that happened in an instant and maybe it had. The spark was there and then it wasn’t. Except, it hadn’t been instantaneous. It was the final piece of the puzzle of their crumbling lives. Dan had ignored it in hope that the feeling would go away. That the indescribable would fade into a distant memory. He had hoped it was just a lull. They had lulls in the past and had always climbed to higher highs but this was different. This lull didn’t have a bottom, it was a decline with no end in sight.

Only once had he scratched the surface of his feelings and that hadn’t ended well. His therapist had brought up wedding planning and he froze. Their engagement had happened almost a year before yet nothing had been planned. Dan tossed it off as stress, that it was hard to plan a wedding while trying to sort out careers. They hadn’t found time to pick the best cake topping or venue or who would even be invited. It wasn’t like there was any rush. At least, Dan thought that was the case. They had been together nine years before Phil had even bent his knee. What’s another year or so on top of that?

His therapist had pushed the question and when Dan could no longer find excuses, he had paused. There was a slither of doubt that had always lived in the back of his mind and in that session it cracked, allowing doubt to seep into his conscious thought.

“Can people change their minds?” He had asked her, his voice small as if he was scared to even ask the question. Scared of facing the truth.

“I tell you this every session, if you don’t want me anymore don’t book an appointment,” she said in response. Dan could have brushed her off with a snarky remark, they had grown a close enough rapport over the years to do so, except he didn’t.

Instead, Dan felt as if he had been frozen in time with only the tears rolling down his cheeks to remind him that time hadn’t broken. She hadn’t answered his question except she had and Dan had felt himself crumble. He hadn’t fallen apart that badly in therapy since his first appointment.

He had been afraid and was still afraid because now his feelings had been flung into reality. The crack in his mind had grown until it was an abyss that swallowed him whole, flinging him into a darkness where the spark within his heart was snuffed out.

“Dan?”

Beneath him, Phil shifted, turning around.

Dan didn’t loosen his grip, instead, he wedged a leg between Phil’s, bring him closer, hoping that it would rekindle the spark and lift him out of the abyss. He hoped that it was all just a glitch in his mind, that tomorrow would come around and it would return to normalcy. He was holding onto hope that would never come to fruition.

There would still be fucking nothing tomorrow and the day after that and Dan was terrified.

He tilted his head up to steal a kiss, pressing his lips to Phil’s, awaiting a response. He was met hesitantly with another kiss, Phil still groggy from sleep. They had done this countless times before, kissing Phil was akin to breathing. He was as essential as oxygen and Dan is suffocating.

What he was searching for wasn’t there. The familiarity remained but it didn’t feel right. He moved his lips to Phil’s jaw, stubble scratching his delicate lips but he still couldn’t find it.

The switch wasn’t turning back on but Dan’s stubborn. His hands roam, tracing the mountains and rivulets of Phil’s body, each curve as familiar as home. He could do this forever, love Phil, but that wasn’t what he wanted. It wasn’t the love he was searching for. It was the ecstasy of being in love that he had felt for so long. Each kiss used to pull Dan deeper and deeper in love, so deep he thought there would never be an end. Now each kiss was familiar, habitual. Nothing more.

He pulled back, head resting on the pillow, chestnut eyes gauging if Phil felt any different. His ocean eyes looked back at him, soft and glistening in the dim light.  They’re kind eyes, full of love. Love that Dan couldn’t match and he was afraid of what that meant.

“Dan?” Phil said again, this time softer. He knew something was wrong.

He hesitated, fear filling him up, even overpowering the numbness for a moment. He couldn’t run away from the truth. Phil knew his mind almost as much as he did. He couldn’t hide.

“I’m not in love with you anymore.”

Beside him, Phil froze for a moment before his features softened. Recognition.

Dan’s brows furrowed out of confusion, “You know?”

“We both knew.”

“I didn’t know until a few minutes ago.”

“Because you’re stubborn, dear,” A soft smile hinted on Phil’s lips and he reached out to caress Dan’s cheek.

The slight touch was enough to threaten tears to fall, “I want to fix it. I love you so fucking much but it’s not the same.”

“You want to fix it?”

The question was laced with doubt and Phil’s fingers lingered on his cheek, hesitating as if he wasn’t expecting it.

“Who do you sound doubtful? Don’t do that to me,” Dan said, words wavering in almost a plea.

“Maybe it isn't fixable. People divorce all the time. Maybe we’re one of those couples, Dan.”

“We’re not even married.”

“We weren’t ever gonna get married were we?” Phil asked, the question heavy with realisation. As if all the puzzle pieces were finally beginning to form a picture.

“I didn’t plan this! I don’t want to feel this way!” Dan whined, rolling onto his back to look at the ceiling. He couldn’t look at Phil without tears blurring his vision.

Silence settled in their bedroom and time slowed down as everything started to make sense. The numbness hadn’t exactly been instantaneous.

“You didn’t sense it?” Phil asked as tears rolled down Dan’s cheeks.

“You did?”

He hesitated before responding, “A couple of months ago mum asked about adopting and you left the room.”

“What?” Dan turned to look at Phil. He was crying now. Proper crying, “How could you know before I even fucking felt it?”

“I know you better than you know yourself,” Phil whispered, reaching out to grab Dan’s hand but he evaded his touch.

Dan shuffled up so he could sit, curling his legs up so he could wrap his arms around them, cradling himself. Resting his forehead on his knees. He wanted to curl up into the tightest ball and forget about the outside world. Forget about the mess that was unfolding, the shattered pieces of his life were breaking into even smaller pieces.

“I’m sorry Phil,” He said, choking back a sob.

“Don’t be sorry.”

He felt the bed shift beside him followed by an arm wrapping around his waist and Phil’s chin resting on his shoulder.

“I’ve ruined everything,” Dan whispered.

“People move on and change their minds all the time.”

“But I don’t want to move on,” Dan said, exhaling a shaky breath before continuing. “I want you. Only you.”

“Dan, don’t do this,” Phil sounded pained.

He lifted his head up and shrugged Phil off so he could look at him,  “Is that what you want? To move on?”

“No. God no.” Phil replied almost instantly, “Although, I can’t help the way you feel. I can’t change that.”

Phil was crying now, tears rolling down his cheeks in a steady stream.

“Don’t you cry too,” Dan leant back to wipe away the tears but it was useless. Now they were both a mess.

“I’m sorry Dan. I just-”

He understood. He truly did. It wasn’t Phil’s fault that he felt numb. It wasn’t Dan’s fault either that he had slipped out of love. It was no one’s fault but it was impossible to not claim blame.

“I know,” Dan leant into him, wrapping his free arm around him.

Phil buried his head in the crook of Dan’s neck, wetting his skin with tears, “We were meant to have a fairytale. Ride off into the sunset together or something like that.”

That hurt. Their life had been a fairytale. Dan had been swept off his feet by a raven-haired prince and with true love’s kiss, they had ruled their kingdom. He always knew they would reach the end of their happily ever after but he never expected it so soon. Never expected it in this lifetime.

“Every fairytale has an end but that doesn’t mean we have to end,” Dan reached up to stroke the back of Phil’s hair, little repetitive touches to calm the both of them.

“But-”

Dan cut him off, “I’m scared Phil but I can’t do this without you. I can’t spend forever without you. This might be temporary? We’ve had some bad times in the past.”

He knew what he felt, or lack thereof was nothing like the past. Back then he felt so much. Too much. The spark inside him had been an inferno. Now it was nothing.

“We can’t continue the way we are Dan,” Phil whispered. “What we have isn’t love. It’s the ghost of what we once had.”

“I don't want to continue the way we were but I…” He trailed off. “I don’t know yet. This is scary but there is one thing I know, I never want to stop being by your side. If that means just as your friend then sure but I don't want to lose you.”

“You’ll never be just a friend to me, Howell,” Phil whispered before kissing his cheek.

At that moment Dan wished that he could feel that spark. He fucking wished with all his heart that he could love Phil like he used to. That he could retrace his footsteps to find the moment the spark had begun to deteriorate. He wished that he could stop the switch from ever flicking off and being snuffed out.

The love that remained was dull but that would never vanish. It was the familiar love forged from a decade of habits and intoxicating infatuation. He knew Phil better than anyone else, better than himself. That love would never waver but it wasn’t what they used to have. It wasn’t the love from fairytales.

A question came to Dan’s mind and he was scared of the answer. Either way, it would open up an uncertain future. He didn’t know where they would go from here. He didn’t know if the ring on his finger still meant something if it will ever mean anything.

“Are you still in love with me?”

Phil looked at him, lips twitching, “Always will be.”

“Fuck.”

Dan crumpled forward into Phil’s arms, a sob ripped from his chest.

Now he felt something. He felt everything. Everything except what he was searching for, the spark that was lost into the abyss forever. Phil was still in love with him and Dan couldn’t love him the same way. All he could do was cry because at least then the tears drown the numbness. Maybe if he cried enough his heart would turn into a sea of guilt. Guilt that he couldn’t give Phil his happily ever after, falling deeper in love each day.

Phil held onto him, swaying gently, “I’ve got you. You’re my best friend. My soulmate. How you feel doesn’t change that. Never will.”

They remained there until the rain outside stopped and clouds parted way for the sun. Wrapped up in an embrace, afraid that letting go would mean having to face what came next. Face whatever comes after love.

**Author's Note:**

> [come say hi on tumblr!](http://scifiphan.tumblr.com)


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